While T. S. Eliot said that “April is the cruellest month”, I think that November runs a close second (except for Remembrance Day on November 11). November is sandwiched between the colourful splendor and Thanksgiving celebrations of October and the joys that December’s holiday season can bring. It is a month of grey, wet days, sopping leaves waiting to be raked and too-early holiday decorations (including pop star Christmas music) in public places.
For those of us who are grieving, November is also the month when we see holiday celebrations heading towards us, followed by cold winter months. Spring feels a long time away.
Tools for the Holidays
In this edition of Interesting Ideas, I’ve provided links that present tools to help us to cope during this challenging time of the year. In this Psychology Today article there is a list of useful ideas that may make the holiday season easier. I especially appreciate that they are transferable to any ‘celebration’ or ‘special event’.
Do you have a friend who is grieving?
As many of you know, I’m a big fan of Megan Devine and her book “It’s Ok That You’re Not Okay”. Megan also has a website and podcast which is worth visiting on a regular basis. Ms. Devine’s last few posts have been about grieving during the holidays. Her recent blog post on supporting a grieving friend is very good. If you are grieving this is worth sharing with friends as a way of asking for support.
More information about grief…
Finally, if you are looking to hear from others who are steeped in and knowledgeable about grief, I recommend the Grief is a Sneaky Bitch podcast. Lisa Keefauver, MSW, is a social worker, educator, writer, grief guide, and widow. In her podcast, she interviews grievers, educators and other grief experts to provide a wealth of information.
As we roll out of November and into December, I wish you peace and comfort. Stay safe and be well.
When I originally posted the following Valentine piece back in 2018, the world was a very different place. No Covid; therefore, no stress about lockdowns. Chances were that we could celebrate Valentine’s Day with our loved ones and give them a hug. The opportunity for a romantic dinner at a favourite restaurant was assured.
While February 14, 2021 arrives in a different context, I suggest that all is not lost. We just need to widen our scope. As innocent as it sounds, who says that ‘the day of hearts, chocolate and flowers’ has to only be for romantic partners? In a time when many of us are feeling lonely and isolated, let’s make an effort to let others know that they are ‘seen’ for the wonderful humans that they are. I don’t mean ‘in person’ (unless there is a safe way), but in a way that lets them know we love and appreciate them. Doesn’t have to be fancy…a call, note in a mailbox, e-card, or wave will do. We can do this even if we have to spend the day alone. Please reach out to another living creature (yup, pets count!).
In whatever way you spend Valentine’s Day 2021, I wish you the best day possible.
Valentine’s Day–What’s It To You?
Ah, Valentine’s Day! For some, it’s the most romantic day of the year…for others, it’s the biggest ‘Hallmark Holiday’ of all time. However, no matter where you fit on that continuum, February 14 can be an opportunity for you to create a personal experience of love while avoiding the pitfalls that can accompany the day.
The Dark History of Valentine’s Day
Traditionally we may think of Valentine’s Day as a celebration of love, cute stuffed toys, kisses and chocolate; however, its beginnings were not so cozy. According to a 2011 opinion piece presented on National Public Radio (US), the Romans had a lot to do with the creation of Valentine’s Day.
“From Feb. 13 to 15, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia. The men sacrificed a goat and a dog, then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain.
The Roman romantics “were drunk. They were naked,” says Noel Lenski, a historian at the University of Colorado at Boulder. Young women would actually line up for the men to hit them, Lenski says. They believed this would make them fertile.
The brutal fete included a matchmaking lottery, in which young men drew the names of women from a jar. The couple would then be, um, coupled up for the duration of the festival ? or longer, if the match was right.
The ancient Romans may also be responsible for the name of our modern day of love. Emperor Claudius II executed two men both named Valentine on Feb. 14 of different years in the 3rd century A.D. Their martyrdom was honored by the Catholic Church with the celebration of St. Valentine’s Day.”
There wasn’t a cupid in sight!
As time went on, through the 15th and 16th century works of Chaucer and Shakespeare, February 14 took on the more romantic tone that we recognize today. In Britain and Europe, hand-make paper cards became part of the tradition during that time.
Modern Valentine’s Day
What about now? How does an ordinary Canadian mark Valentine’s Day?
A 2016 Montreal Gazette article stated that in 2015, Canadians spent $3.3 billion on chocolate. When we add in money spent on other gifts (flowers, jewelry) and dinners out, our bank accounts went down by an average of $177–all in aid of February 14.
Businesses appreciate this ‘love festival’ as there are no associated discounts associated as there are with Christmas (i.e. pre-holiday and Boxing Day sales).
This holiday is seen to be such a romantic day, that 10 percent of marriage proposals happen on Valentine’s Day!
What If I’m Single?
Traditionally, we think of Valentine’s Day as a celebration for couples. But what if we’re un-coupled? No worries! Business has found a solution! Thanks to the Canadian Association of Professional Cuddlers (CAPC), you can hire a professional cuddler to spend Valentine’s Day with. Cuddling starts at $45 for 30 minutes and goes up to $155 for two hours. If you’re looking for skin-to-skin cuddling, there is an additional fee per hour. Cuddlers are trained to ensure that everyone is safe and comfortable at all times.
Some single people will participate in Single Awareness Day–a celebration of the love of friends, family and self. Individuals recognize the day by getting together with loved ones, buying themselves a gift and/or taking part in a favourite activity.
It appears that if you want to celebrate, there are many options.
Expectations…A Roadblock on the Road of Romance
Sometimes this ‘holiday of love’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Based on what I hear personally and professionally, Valentine’s Day can be a minefield…and I don’t mean the “Will you be mine” variety! The problem comes down to expectations about how our partners should show their love. However, there may be a solution.
Gary Chapman, in his 1995 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate; outlines the five ways that we show and accept love from our significant other(s). These are: giving/receiving gifts, spending quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion) and physical touch. When a couple doesn’t understand each other’s ‘love language’ hurt feelings can erupt.
Let’s look at Bob and Sue…Valentine’s Day is around the corner and Bob has dropped many (what he thinks are obvious) hints about his ideal gift (Kitchener Rangers tickets). Sue has decided that she will surprise Bob by taking their children to her parents’ home for an over-night visit and then making him a romantic dinner. A clash is possible as Bob is looking forward to tickets, and Sue is imagining Bob’s appreciation and delight at all the work she has done to make Bob feel loved.
When we are part of a couple, it’s important to communicate with each other about our expectations–especially as these can change over time. If you’re curious about your ‘love language’, check out Dr. Chapman’s site and take the quiz. It may be a useful pre-Valentine’s Day activity!
Speaking of Communication…
Valentine’s Day can bring a lot of pressure to new relationships. What does my new person want? Will dinner out be too much? Too little? My last partner really loved jewelry, but is it too soon in this relationship? What impression will my gift give? Maybe I’ll just go out of town on February 14 and skip the entire thing!
What would happen if Valentine’s Day became an opportunity to have a meaningful conversation around expectations–what we like, what we don’t? Is this something we want to celebrate as a couple?
I wonder how many hurt feelings and broken relationships could be avoided by having a simple conversation?
Despite all the buildup, February 14 is just another day on the calendar. No matter how you choose to spend it, I wish you love and your fair share of chocolate!
I thought about writing about how to survive the holidays this year, with so many of us facing possible lockdown, but there are somanyarticlesouttherealready.
So here’s my wish for you: hold tight to the feelings of the holidays. To the memory of loved ones and joyous times. Lift up that warm glow in your memory and know that no matter how far they may be right now, the magic of the holiday season can bring us all together just a little closer, even when we have to socially distance.
There will be a day, and hopefully not too far into the future, where we can be together again. Know that I will hold tight to my memories of all of you, and that you bring me joy.
Bringing this one back from the archives – with the cold weather that’s blasted through Ontario recently, we’ve all gotten a reminder that the holidays are coming. The holidays can be a time of joy as well as a time of stress. Do you have a plan for your own holidays?
As I write this, the weather has become colder, decorations are in store windows and the local grocery store has been playing carols since the day after Halloween. Whatever your tradition: Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Festivus, it’s becoming impossible to ignore the fact that the holidays are fast approaching.
While mainstream media perpetuates the idea of the holidays as a time of gift-giving, spending time with family and friends and eating beautifully prepared food; this is not the reality for many people. For some people, financial difficulties may prevent them from buying the same number or type of gifts they were able to give in previous years. For others, 2017 may have brought a change in family/relationship structures either through death, divorce or family members and/or friends moving away. Even happy events such as the birth of a child or the addition of a new adult member into the family can lead to changes in previous holiday traditions.
Instead of anticipating the holidays with a sense of dread, how can we make the season as peaceful as possible?
Consult and Plan Ahead
Once we recognize that not only is the festive season coming but that it will be different this year; having a plan for the holidays goes a long way to working through any potential rough spots.
Contrary to popular belief, traditions can adapt to deal with new circumstances. However, consultation is key. If these traditions involve others, a sound idea is to have “the conversation” before the event is looming. That way everyone is agreed on the new plan and has time to make necessary changes. ?For example, Aunt Shirley may not be open to limiting the price of gifts to $10, if you tell her the week before Christmas, and she has already spent $100 on your gift.
Do Something Completely Different
Sometimes it can be fun to take a break from our traditions and do something completely different. Rather than missing what isn’t there, we focus on doing something new. Often families may choose to travel over the holiday season rather than be reminded of a loss–whether it’s loved one, relationship, job, pet, etc. Once they are through the “year of firsts” they may return to their regular plans, but in the short-term creating a new plan is a way of getting through the “first holiday”.
If You Are Going To Be Alone, Take Advantage of the Holiday Buildup
In most traditions, the celebrations last for more than one day. Let’s take Christmas for example. While the main focus is usually on December 25th, many events start to happen anytime from mid-November onward. If you know that you are going to be alone on “the day” (and this isn’t your first choice), get your fill of pre-December 25th events, and then plan a special day for yourself filled with activities that have special meaning for you.
No matter your holiday tradition, one common factor is love for each other. This time of year provides many opportunities to give back to your community. Volunteer at a shelter, visit seniors in retirement homes whose family members are unable to visit, offer to take care of a friend’s pet (who wasn’t invited to holiday celebrations)…the list is endless.
By lifting our eyes from our own situations, we have a wider view of the world and places where we can be helpful.
“Festivas for the Rest of Us!”
And now…Festivas! Enjoy! Warning…Seinfeld’s humour may not appeal to everyone.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Since gratitude never goes out of style, I’m re-posting this message from last year. May you enjoy time spent with loved ones and great food!
For Canadians, this weekend is Thanksgiving–a time to get together with family and friends, eat copious amounts of food and think about what/who we are thankful for. While as a culture we have set aside Thanksgiving to be a time of gratitude, I suggest that gratitude is something we should be aware of daily.
What is Gratitude?
One of my recent, favourite books is The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World, written by Douglas Abrams. In April 2015, Archbishop Tutu and His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama spent five days together in Dharamsala, India, to celebrate the Dalai Lama’s 80th birthday and to discuss, in detail, their thoughts on joy (it’s nature, components, and the obstacles to experiencing it). The details of these conversations were chronicled by Abrams and compiled into this book.
How do these esteemed spiritual leaders define gratitude?
“Gratitude is the recognition of all that holds us in the web of life and all that has made it possible to have the life that we have and the moment we are experiencing. Thanksgiving is a natural response to life and may be the only way to savour it.”
While gratitude may be a natural response to life, our experiences aren’t always positive. What about thankfulness when life is difficult?
Gratitude When The Going Gets Rough
The opening sentences in M. Scott Peck’s classic book The Road Less Traveled is: “Life is difficult. This is a great truth. One of the greatest truths.” We know this. As humans, we experience grief, loss, stress, sickness, anger, anxiety. Our fellow humans disappoint us, or we disappoint ourselves. “Life is difficult.”
However, what if there are seams of light, threaded throughout the difficulty? If we can trust that they are there, thankfulness helps us to recognize these glimmers in the dark.
Why Practice Gratitude?
As human beings it’s easy to get stuck in the “full catastrophe” of our lives–the good, the bad and the ugly. It’s often hard to look up from our challenges, and it’s easy to take our good fortune for granted. As Joni Mitchell famously sang in Big Yellow Taxi, “You don’t know what you’ve got ’till it’s gone”. That’s why it’s important that we focus and be grateful for what is in our lives in this moment.
“Both Christian and Buddhist traditions, perhaps all spiritual traditions, recognize the importance of gratefulness. It allows us to shift our perspective, as the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop counseled, toward all we have been given and all that we have. It moves us away from the narrow-minded focus on fault and lack and to the wider perspective of benefit and abundance.”
The magic of gratitude comes from this shift in perspective. When we are grateful, the glass is no longer half empty, but half full.
When I work with individuals who are coping with challenges, we often explore their history for times when they have survived and grown from past difficulties. As we look at what they learned and the resiliency gained from these experiences, they may feel thankful. While they wouldn’t want to re-live the rough times, in hindsight, they also wouldn’t ask to have them taken away–the benefits are too great. This new perspective helps them to see the opportunities for growth in their current situation.
A Way to Practice Gratitude
One of the easiest ways to practice gratitude is to keep a gratitude journal. At the end of the day, take some time to reflect on the day and what gave you joy. What helped you to learn or grow? Did an interaction with someone give you a lift? Were you able to help someone else? Perhaps, not all the events were positive, and look for the benefits in those as well. Maybe your flat tire gave you a chance to relax while you waited for CAA. Maybe you kept your cool during a conflict. Think about the seams of light in the darkness.
Once you have thought about the day, pick a few to write about.
The benefits of this practice are a change of perspective (as discussed above), as well as an increasing sense of awareness. When we commit to this daily exercise, we start to be mindful of things we can be thankful for. As we practice, our gratitude grows.
Gratitude is an enhancement to life.
Now, one of the best gratitude songs of all time…Enjoy! And Happy Thanksgiving!
As humans, we are fascinated by new beginnings. It’s an opportunity to turn the page on what has gone before and start again. While some people see the beginning of a new school year in this light, the clicking over into a new calendar year is culturally treated as a chance to sweep out the old and bring in the new. Some people, myself included, like to clean house and put away holiday decorations on New Year’s Day as a way to welcome the new year.
A big component of this “starting over” philosophy is New Year’s resolutions. The idea that we set intentions for the New Year has become such a large part of our cultural experience, that talking about our resolutions is a frequent topic of conversation in the time between December 26 and midnight on the 31st.
A web search for New Year’s resolutions shows 3,700,000 results–everything from why we should make them, how to make them, how to keep them, and statistics on if we keep them. According to one site, the top 10 resolutions for 2015 were: lose weight/exercise more, stop smoking, drink less, eat healthier food, spend less/save more, learn new things, travel, give back to the community and spend more time with family. All admirable goals; and we all know how busy the gym gets in January, only to fall back to normal levels in February!
A Problem with New Year’s Resolutions
I have to admit that I have a problem with New Year’s resolutions. After decades of falling short on the ones I’ve set, I wonder if we are set up to fail. There’s something about the “stroke of midnight” starter’s pistol…ready, set, eat healthy food!…that feels abrupt. All the top 10 resolutions involve lifestyle changes. Lifestyle changes require planning, dedication and support. With all the business of the holidays, I was never able to find the time to plan for January lifestyle changes.
Let’s take the resolution to stop smoking for example: are you a person who can quit cold turkey or do you need to taper off? Do you need medical support to conquer this addiction? Do family members and/or friends smoke? Have you thought about how not smoking may affect these relationships or spoken to them about the change you want to make? Will they be supportive in whatever way you need?
We can do the same exercise for any resolutions.
This year, my resolution will be to encourage gentleness both to myself and others. This means that I will try to accept others and myself as we are. Holding the both/and of who we are now along with the people that we would like to become as we experience life and being OK with both. Rather than a change that will start at the stroke of midnight on January 1, it will be a way of being that I hope to grow into. I know that I may not always be successful and that there is value in the attempt.
Happy New Year! I wish you all the gentleness, peace, health and joy that exist.
Now, on a lighter note, let’s dance into the new year.
The following poem, written by Maureen Killoran, found me the other day. It summarizes what I wish for you, not just for this holiday season, but every season. Take care.
A CHRISTMAS PRAYER
Not gold, nor myrrh, nor even frankincense
would I have for you this season,
but simple gifts, the ones that are hardest to find,
the ones that are perfect, even for those who have everything (if such there be).
I would (if I could) have for you the gift of courage,
the strength to face the gauntlets only you can name,
and the firmness in your heart to know that you (yes, you!)
can be a bearer of the quiet dignity that is the human glorified.
I would (if by my intention I could make it happen) have for you the gift of connection,
the sense of standing on the hinge of time,
touching past and future
standing with certainty that you (yes, you!) are the point where it all comes together.
I would (if wishing could make it so) have for you the gift of community,
a nucleus of love and challenge,
to convince you in your soul that you (yes, you!) are a source of light in a world too long believing in the dark.
Not gold, nor myrrh, nor even frankincense, would I have for you this season,
but simple gifts, the ones that are hardest to find,
the ones that are perfect,
even for those who have everything (if such there be).
What’s not to like about Thanksgiving?? It’s a long weekend, the weather is usually wonderful, and the tradition is to celebrate with good food, family and friends.? Plus, there’s not the pressure of gift-giving that can accompany other celebrations.
However, if you’re a turkey, Thanksgiving isn’t a favourite time of year!? According to this site published by the turkey farmers of Canada: Canadians purchased 2.2 million whole turkeys for Thanksgiving 2017. That’s 31% of all the whole turkeys that were sold over the year.
So, if you’re a human…I wish you a restful Thanksgiving weekend.? If you’re a turkey…RUN!!!
Here it is…the last long weekend of Summer 2018!? It’s the one we commonly refer to as “Labour Day”, but what does this mean?? According to this site on Canadian history, our current practice of recognizing Labour Day evolved from a massive working class demonstration in Toronto in 1872.? How far we’ve come from the day’s original roots!
Whatever your plans for this weekend…spending time with family and friends, getting kids ready to go back to school or catching your breath before the business of September hits; I wish you all a restful weekend.