When I originally posted the following Valentine piece back in 2018, the world was a very different place. No Covid; therefore, no stress about lockdowns. Chances were that we could celebrate Valentine’s Day with our loved ones and give them a hug. The opportunity for a romantic dinner at a favourite restaurant was assured.
While February 14, 2021 arrives in a different context, I suggest that all is not lost. We just need to widen our scope. As innocent as it sounds, who says that ‘the day of hearts, chocolate and flowers’ has to only be for romantic partners? In a time when many of us are feeling lonely and isolated, let’s make an effort to let others know that they are ‘seen’ for the wonderful humans that they are. I don’t mean ‘in person’ (unless there is a safe way), but in a way that lets them know we love and appreciate them. Doesn’t have to be fancy…a call, note in a mailbox, e-card, or wave will do. We can do this even if we have to spend the day alone. Please reach out to another living creature (yup, pets count!).
In whatever way you spend Valentine’s Day 2021, I wish you the best day possible.
Valentine’s Day–What’s It To You?
Ah, Valentine’s Day! For some, it’s the most romantic day of the year…for others, it’s the biggest ‘Hallmark Holiday’ of all time. However, no matter where you fit on that continuum, February 14 can be an opportunity for you to create a personal experience of love while avoiding the pitfalls that can accompany the day.
The Dark History of Valentine’s Day
Traditionally we may think of Valentine’s Day as a celebration of love, cute stuffed toys, kisses and chocolate; however, its beginnings were not so cozy. According to a 2011 opinion piece presented on National Public Radio (US), the Romans had a lot to do with the creation of Valentine’s Day.
“From Feb. 13 to 15, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia. The men sacrificed a goat and a dog, then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain.
The Roman romantics “were drunk. They were naked,” says Noel Lenski, a historian at the University of Colorado at Boulder. Young women would actually line up for the men to hit them, Lenski says. They believed this would make them fertile.
The brutal fete included a matchmaking lottery, in which young men drew the names of women from a jar. The couple would then be, um, coupled up for the duration of the festival ? or longer, if the match was right.
The ancient Romans may also be responsible for the name of our modern day of love. Emperor Claudius II executed two men both named Valentine on Feb. 14 of different years in the 3rd century A.D. Their martyrdom was honored by the Catholic Church with the celebration of St. Valentine’s Day.”
There wasn’t a cupid in sight!
As time went on, through the 15th and 16th century works of Chaucer and Shakespeare, February 14 took on the more romantic tone that we recognize today. In Britain and Europe, hand-make paper cards became part of the tradition during that time.
Modern Valentine’s Day
What about now? How does an ordinary Canadian mark Valentine’s Day?
A 2016 Montreal Gazette article stated that in 2015, Canadians spent $3.3 billion on chocolate. When we add in money spent on other gifts (flowers, jewelry) and dinners out, our bank accounts went down by an average of $177–all in aid of February 14.
Businesses appreciate this ‘love festival’ as there are no associated discounts associated as there are with Christmas (i.e. pre-holiday and Boxing Day sales).
This holiday is seen to be such a romantic day, that 10 percent of marriage proposals happen on Valentine’s Day!
What If I’m Single?
Traditionally, we think of Valentine’s Day as a celebration for couples. But what if we’re un-coupled? No worries! Business has found a solution! Thanks to the Canadian Association of Professional Cuddlers (CAPC), you can hire a professional cuddler to spend Valentine’s Day with. Cuddling starts at $45 for 30 minutes and goes up to $155 for two hours. If you’re looking for skin-to-skin cuddling, there is an additional fee per hour. Cuddlers are trained to ensure that everyone is safe and comfortable at all times.
Some single people will participate in Single Awareness Day–a celebration of the love of friends, family and self. Individuals recognize the day by getting together with loved ones, buying themselves a gift and/or taking part in a favourite activity.
It appears that if you want to celebrate, there are many options.
Expectations…A Roadblock on the Road of Romance
Sometimes this ‘holiday of love’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Based on what I hear personally and professionally, Valentine’s Day can be a minefield…and I don’t mean the “Will you be mine” variety! The problem comes down to expectations about how our partners should show their love. However, there may be a solution.
Gary Chapman, in his 1995 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate; outlines the five ways that we show and accept love from our significant other(s). These are: giving/receiving gifts, spending quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion) and physical touch. When a couple doesn’t understand each other’s ‘love language’ hurt feelings can erupt.
Let’s look at Bob and Sue…Valentine’s Day is around the corner and Bob has dropped many (what he thinks are obvious) hints about his ideal gift (Kitchener Rangers tickets). Sue has decided that she will surprise Bob by taking their children to her parents’ home for an over-night visit and then making him a romantic dinner. A clash is possible as Bob is looking forward to tickets, and Sue is imagining Bob’s appreciation and delight at all the work she has done to make Bob feel loved.
When we are part of a couple, it’s important to communicate with each other about our expectations–especially as these can change over time. If you’re curious about your ‘love language’, check out Dr. Chapman’s site and take the quiz. It may be a useful pre-Valentine’s Day activity!
Speaking of Communication…
Valentine’s Day can bring a lot of pressure to new relationships. What does my new person want? Will dinner out be too much? Too little? My last partner really loved jewelry, but is it too soon in this relationship? What impression will my gift give? Maybe I’ll just go out of town on February 14 and skip the entire thing!
What would happen if Valentine’s Day became an opportunity to have a meaningful conversation around expectations–what we like, what we don’t? Is this something we want to celebrate as a couple?
I wonder how many hurt feelings and broken relationships could be avoided by having a simple conversation?
Despite all the buildup, February 14 is just another day on the calendar. No matter how you choose to spend it, I wish you love and your fair share of chocolate!
And now…some romance from Peanuts…Enjoy!