All posts by Laurie Blaikie

The Loneliness of Grief

Grief and Loss, , ,

This weekend the world was given an image of the loneliness of grief.  On April 17, 2021, many people in the world watched as the British Royal Family said goodbye to Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh at his funeral service in St. George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle.

Through media coverage, we were granted an intimate view of a family in mourning.  No matter our opinion of the monarchy, it’s important to remember that this is a family that is grieving the loss of a husband, father, grandfather and great-grandfather. Prince Philip would have celebrated his 100th birthday this June.

A Common Experience

While we are probably not a member of a royal family, many of us have shared this experience of losing and honouring a loved one during this pandemic.  We can relate to having to limit the number of guests who can attend the service and internment.  We know what it’s like to maintain physical distance from our friends and family members when what we need more than anything is a hug and words of comfort whispered in our ear.

Part of the original plan for Prince Philip’s funeral was that his coffin would be carried by a custom-built Land Rover hearse (Prince Philip designed it himself) through the streets of London in order for the public to pay their respects and say their farewells.  Understandably this didn’t happen.  We also know the pain of not being able to honour our loved one in the way that they may have pre-arranged themselves or as we would like to do for them.

A Woman Alone

One of the most poignant images from the service is that of Queen Elizabeth sitting alone.  Due to Covid-19 restrictions, only thirty people were able to be in the church.  Those in attendance had to sit in their household ‘bubbles’.  This wife is now alone in her bubble.

For a minute, let’s forget the famous identity of this woman and think of her as a fellow human.  Elizabeth met Philip when she was thirteen years old.   Philip was 18.  Apparently, for Elizabeth, it was “love at first sight”.  For eight years they continued their relationship through letters until they were able to marry when Elizabeth was 21.

As a married couple, they set up a household, had children and worked at their careers.  Sadly, a few years into their marriage, Elizabeth’s father died suddenly. This meant that Elizabeth had to take over the family business.  Philip, knowing how important this work was to his wife and her family, had already agreed that he would support her in this endeavour—even if it meant stepping back from his career.

When Philip died, they had been married for almost 74 years.  Throughout those years, their relationship weathered good times and bad.  They worked together on common goals—supporting each other along the way.  Elizabeth was heard to say soon after her husband’s death, “He has, quite simply, been my strength and stay all these years…”

And now…like many other people who have lost a spouse, Elizabeth is without ‘her person’.

How Can We Help?

Unless we personally know Queen Elizabeth, there isn’t anything we can do for her.  However, I think she represents many grieving people that we do know.

One of the most common things I hear as a therapist is that people mourning the loss of a loved one (no matter the connection to them), is that they are surrounded by care and support immediately following their person’s death.  However, over time, the check-in calls dwindle away, notes and emails stop and offers to spend time together become farther and farther apart.  Others go back to their own lives, and the person in mourning is left sitting alone.  The loneliness of grief is intense.

While being busy can be the way of life for everyone, what the griever experiences is a ‘secondary’ loss.

We can think of it this way…imagine a still pond of water.  A large rock is dropped into the pond sending large ripples away from where the rock entered.  This rock symbolizes the death of the loved one and the ripples are the major changes that happen in the griever’s life.

As the ripples move away from the initial point of contact, they become less violent—yet they still make waves—upsetting the surface of the pond.  These are the secondary losses.  The difficult thing is that they tend to happen as the bereaved is coming out of the shock phase that follows the death of a loved one, and are experiencing active grief experiences such as grief bursts (sudden crying jags), sleep issues (too much or too little), and grief brain (brain fog).

A Request…

If you know someone who is grieving, please stick around.  I know that life is busy, and it doesn’t take much.  In fact, you often don’t even need to say anything.  One client shared with me that one of the most comforting things a friend did for them was to show up for regularly scheduled walks.  This wise friend let them take the emotional lead.  Sometimes they needed to talk, other times to laugh or cry.  Often, they needed to be quiet together and not feel quite so alone.

And now…here’s a wonderful video from grief therapist, Megan Devine, on How to Help a Grieving Friend.  Enjoy!

“Interesting Ideas” for March 2021

Interesting Ideas

Time for March’s edition of Interesting Ideas. Depending on where you live, you are at some place in the ‘third wave’.  Whether you are watching it approach, starting the ride or balancing on the peak; like most of us you’re probably tired of ‘surfing’.

Here are three interesting ideas that can help.

The Fear of Failure

As we’ve spent more time online over the past year, it’s clear that so much of what we do is seen by so many.  With the increased visibility, our fear of failure (and the resulting judgement) can increase to the point that we become afraid to try anything new.  This Atlantic article encourages us to ‘go ahead and fail’ along with ways to build the courage to do so.

“I have to see people in-person again?!!!”

At some point in the future, we’ll be able to socialize with large groups of people.  However, for many of us, this is a source of anxiety–and not just for individuals who experienced social anxiety before the pandemic.  This article in The Guardian lets you know that you’re not alone, and provides coping strategies to ease yourself back into the outside world.

Animal Comfort

While pet ownership has increased over the past year, dog walking or cat litter cleaning isn’t for everyone.  An alternative?  According to this Washington Post article, you can hug a cow!  Even if you don’t read the article, the pictures are adorable!

Until next time…take care and stay safe.

 

 

 

 

 

Living Dialectically

COVID-19, Mental Health, Mindfulness,

Like everyone else I know, I’m tired of the pandemic.

Now that we’re at the one-year mark of the beginning of the first Ontario lockdown, it’s hard to avoid the commemorative pieces flooding the airwaves.  I’m ignoring them all.  I’ve lived through it.  I don’t need a reminder.

And yet, as someone who loves words, I’ve been thinking about the nouns, verbs and adjectives that have been created (or modified) to describe Covid 19.  We’ve been told to “shelter in place” in order to “flatten the curve“.  We talk about “airborne transmission” and “variants“.  Are we “asymptomatic“, while we watch the rates of “community transmission“?  We no longer live in families or have friends, but are part of a “bubble“.  Many of us are thankful for “CERB“.  Some of us can not only rhyme off the “Five Zones of Public Health Measures“, we know which ‘colour’ applies to the location of our loved ones.

With all the new words we’ve added to our vocabulary this year, I’ve decided to resurrect an old word, and use it in a new context.

My New Favourite Word–“Dialectical”

At its most basic level, dialectical means that two opposing things can be true at the same time.  For example:  when squirrels ate the sunflower seeds I planted last spring, I was angry that my dream of a sunflower hedge had been ‘digested’; while also feeling happy that the squirrels had found food.

Dialectics (or Dialectical Method) is as old as ancient Greece.  It was a method to hold a discussion between two or more people who held different points of view but wanted to figure out the truth by using logical argument.  Emotions weren’t involved.

Today, the idea of dialectics is best known as the basis for DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy). In DBT, a therapist and client work together to develop the client’s acceptance of their current situation, while at the same time, working on ways to change it.   Details about DBT can be found here.

But why is this my new theme word?

The Idea of Control

Our desire for control is the theme behind The Serenity Prayer, written by Reinhold Niebuhr (1872-1971).  It asks:

God, grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

No matter how you describe your religion or spirituality, one lesson over the past year is that there’s very little we can control.  Many of us have spent a lot of time and energy fighting against this truth–with little success.

The Serenity Prayer speaks to the dialectics of life–the things we can change versus those we can’t.  Pandemic time versus ‘a new normal’.  In other words, accepting today as it is while planning for the future.

Living Dialectically

A lot of articles are being written about how the authors are planning to live post-pandemic.  While they have no control over how long Covid will dictate a large part of their daily existence, they see themselves applying the lessons they have learned over the past year–less rushing around, less spending, more time with loved ones, lots more hugs…

They are living dialectically…accepting where they are today while working towards what they want in the future.

One way to do this is to create a “future” list.  However, the list doesn’t include just activities, but how we want to live–emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  Are there new things we need to learn to fulfill our vision? People we need to reconnect with?  Skills to develop?

As we move through this pandemic, we can choose to do so with hope.  As we create our individual lists, what do we hope for?  Emily Dickinson said:

“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all.”

As we keep living dialectically today, let’s keep leaving seeds out for the ‘thing with feathers’.

And now…an amazing video.  Enjoy!

February Interesting Ideas 2021

Anxiety, Cancer, COVID-19, Depression, Interesting Ideas, Relationships, Self-Care

Welcome back for February “Interesting Ideas”.  I hope this continues to be interesting and intriguing to you.

I hope you found the February interesting ideas round to be interesting and that the articles inspired some reflection. If you have articles you think would be interesting to share, please let me know.

Valentine’s Day…Revisited

COVID-19, Holidays, Relationships

When I originally posted the following Valentine piece back in 2018, the world was a very different place.  No Covid; therefore, no stress about lockdowns.   Chances were that we could celebrate Valentine’s Day with our loved ones and give them a hug.  The opportunity for a romantic dinner at a favourite restaurant was assured.

While February 14, 2021 arrives in a different context, I suggest that all is not lost.  We just need to widen our scope.  As innocent as it sounds, who says that ‘the day of hearts, chocolate and flowers’ has to only be for romantic partners?  In a time when many of us are feeling lonely and isolated, let’s make an effort to let others know that they are ‘seen’ for the wonderful humans that they are.  I don’t mean ‘in person’ (unless there is a safe way), but in a way that lets them know we love and appreciate them.  Doesn’t have to be fancy…a call, note in a mailbox, e-card, or wave will do.  We can do this even if we have to spend the day alone.  Please reach out to another living creature (yup, pets count!).

In whatever way you spend Valentine’s Day 2021, I wish you the best day possible.

Valentine’s Day–What’s It To You?

Ah, Valentine’s Day! For some, it’s the most romantic day of the year…for others, it’s the biggest ‘Hallmark Holiday’ of all time. However, no matter where you fit on that continuum, February 14 can be an opportunity for you to create a personal experience of love while avoiding the pitfalls that can accompany the day.

The Dark History of Valentine’s Day

Traditionally we may think of Valentine’s Day as a celebration of love, cute stuffed toys, kisses and chocolate; however, its beginnings were not so cozy. According to a 2011 opinion piece presented on National Public Radio (US), the Romans had a lot to do with the creation of Valentine’s Day.

“From Feb. 13 to 15, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia. The men sacrificed a goat and a dog, then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain.

The Roman romantics “were drunk. They were naked,” says Noel Lenski, a historian at the University of Colorado at Boulder. Young women would actually line up for the men to hit them, Lenski says. They believed this would make them fertile.

The brutal fete included a matchmaking lottery, in which young men drew the names of women from a jar. The couple would then be, um, coupled up for the duration of the festival ? or longer, if the match was right.

The ancient Romans may also be responsible for the name of our modern day of love. Emperor Claudius II executed two men both named Valentine on Feb. 14 of different years in the 3rd century A.D. Their martyrdom was honored by the Catholic Church with the celebration of St. Valentine’s Day.”

There wasn’t a cupid in sight!

As time went on, through the 15th and 16th century works of Chaucer and Shakespeare, February 14 took on the more romantic tone that we recognize today. In Britain and Europe, hand-make paper cards became part of the tradition during that time.

Modern Valentine’s Day

What about now? How does an ordinary Canadian mark Valentine’s Day?

A 2016 Montreal Gazette article stated that in 2015, Canadians spent $3.3 billion on chocolate. When we add in money spent on other gifts (flowers, jewelry) and dinners out, our bank accounts went down by an average of $177–all in aid of February 14.

Businesses appreciate this ‘love festival’ as there are no associated discounts associated as there are with Christmas (i.e. pre-holiday and Boxing Day sales).

This holiday is seen to be such a romantic day, that 10 percent of marriage proposals happen on Valentine’s Day!

What If I’m Single?

Traditionally, we think of Valentine’s Day as a celebration for couples. But what if we’re un-coupled? No worries! Business has found a solution! Thanks to the Canadian Association of Professional Cuddlers (CAPC), you can hire a professional cuddler to spend Valentine’s Day with. Cuddling starts at $45 for 30 minutes and goes up to $155 for two hours. If you’re looking for skin-to-skin cuddling, there is an additional fee per hour. Cuddlers are trained to ensure that everyone is safe and comfortable at all times.

Some single people will participate in Single Awareness Day–a celebration of the love of friends, family and self. Individuals recognize the day by getting together with loved ones, buying themselves a gift and/or taking part in a favourite activity.

It appears that if you want to celebrate, there are many options.

Expectations…A Roadblock on the Road of Romance

Sometimes this ‘holiday of love’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  Based on what I hear personally and professionally, Valentine’s Day can be a minefield…and I don’t mean the “Will you be mine” variety! The problem comes down to expectations about how our partners should show their love. However, there may be a solution.

Gary Chapman, in his 1995 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate; outlines the five ways that we show and accept love from our significant other(s). These are: giving/receiving gifts, spending quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion) and physical touch. When a couple doesn’t understand each other’s ‘love language’ hurt feelings can erupt.

Let’s look at Bob and Sue…Valentine’s Day is around the corner and Bob has dropped many (what he thinks are obvious) hints about his ideal gift (Kitchener Rangers tickets). Sue has decided that she will surprise Bob by taking their children to her parents’ home for an over-night visit and then making him a romantic dinner. A clash is possible as Bob is looking forward to tickets, and Sue is imagining Bob’s appreciation and delight at all the work she has done to make Bob feel loved.

When we are part of a couple, it’s important to communicate with each other about our expectations–especially as these can change over time. If you’re curious about your ‘love language’, check out Dr. Chapman’s site and take the quiz. It may be a useful pre-Valentine’s Day activity!

Speaking of Communication…

Valentine’s Day can bring a lot of pressure to new relationships. What does my new person want? Will dinner out be too much? Too little? My last partner really loved jewelry, but is it too soon in this relationship? What impression will my gift give? Maybe I’ll just go out of town on February 14 and skip the entire thing!

What would happen if Valentine’s Day became an opportunity to have a meaningful conversation around expectations–what we like, what we don’t? Is this something we want to celebrate as a couple?

I wonder how many hurt feelings and broken relationships could be avoided by having a simple conversation?

Despite all the buildup, February 14 is just another day on the calendar. No matter how you choose to spend it, I wish you love and your fair share of chocolate!

And now…some romance from Peanuts…Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

“Interesting Ideas” for January 2021

Interesting Ideas, Mental Health

I am very fortunate to have friends that send me interesting ideas, articles, videos, or book suggestions on a regular basis.  While I use some as inspirations for blog posts or my work with clients, others are not blog or reference material…and they are too interesting not to share.

So, this is the first month of the “Interesting Ideas” post.  My hope is that this will become a monthly feature.  While not every suggestion will appeal to everyone, ideally something will pique your curiosity.

Here’s the selection for January…Enjoy!

From The Atlantic:  What Moving House Can Do For You

From BBC News:  Lockdown mental health:  Tips for Helping Your Child

From The Guardian:  Why Your Most Important Relationship is With Your Inner Voice

2021 Resolution….Let’s Eat for Mental Health

Anxiety, Mental Health

Welcome to 2021!  May everyone be healthy and safe.

The data isn’t available for 2021, but if you are like the 30% of Canadians who made resolutions going into 2020, almost half of us had goals around eating better and losing weight.  However, with the arrival of Covid-19, many of us fell off of the resolution bandwagon.  When we’re in survival mode, it’s difficult to change habits.  In fact, we often resort to comfort activities.  Baking and online shopping, anyone?

One of the results of Covid-19 is the negative effect on our mental health.  Anxiety and depression levels are increasing rapidly across all age groups, as we live with uncertainty, isolation and 24/7 news coverage about pandemic numbers and positive or negative testing and vaccination numbers.  We are grieving not only the death of loved ones but the loss of regular, physical contact with our friends, family members, coworkers and casual contact with other humans.

So, as we move into 2021, what can we do?

What Some Of The Experts Are Saying

As the pandemic continues, experts are offering suggestions on how to get through the waiting period for the life to return to a ‘familiar normal’.  A recent University of Waterloo article, provided data from a study that asked a number of scientific psychologists for their ideas of how to get through the pandemic.  Their results were tabulated, and…

“The most common psychological recommendation was to establish a sense of agency — to find a way to remain in charge of your day-to-day life, despite pandemic uncertainty. Research in psychology shows that such mental focus can help regulate emotions in the face of uncertainty. It includes finding ways to reframe the pandemic as a manageable challenge, to find “something that you want to get out of bed for,” as one interviewee mentioned, or to establish structure and habits to compensate for lack of external structure in a lockdown-imposed work from home.”

The entire article can be found here.

Let’s Put It Together:  Eating for Mental Health

What would happen if we combined our desire (i.e. resolutions) for making positive dietary changes with our need to improve/maintain our mental health?

Disclaimer:  I’m not a dietician!  Any ideas that I’m presenting are based on research articles and websites that I’ve read.  I’ve linked to these resources throughout this post.

The Link Between Diet and Mental Health

Researchers in the relatively new field of Nutritional Psychiatry are discovering the links between dietary patterns and mental health.  Basically, the more we eat a ‘western’ or highly-processed diet, the greater our risk for anxiety and depression.  Based on what I’ve read, I’ve found three areas in which diet affects our physical health–leading to declines in mental/brain health:  Obesity, the Gut/Brain Axis and Inflammation.

Obesity

Even before the pandemic, the numbers are frightening.  According to Statistics Canada (2018) data; 26.8% of Canadians 18 and older (roughly 7.3 million adults) reported height and weight that classified them as obese. Another 9.9 million adults (36.3%) were classified as overweight – bringing the total population with increased health risks due to excess weight to 63.1% in 2018.

When we think about mental/brain health, obesity is linked to higher instances of Alzheimer’s disease and depression due to vascular cognitive impairment (which can be caused by lifestyle habits such as poor diet and excess weight).

The Gut/Brain Axis (GBA)

We don’t live in our bodies alone.  Instead, we share our gut with trillions of microbial organisms (bacteria, viruses, and archaea) that make up our microbiome.  Our brain and gut interact using a system of neural (the vagus nerve), inflammatory responses and hormones–making up the brain/gut axis.

When our microbiome is in a healthy balance, this system works well.  Unfortunately, the gut imbalance can happen due to chronic stress, poor diet, environmental toxins and infections.

While the science on this is relatively new, a study (mentioned in the above link) found rodents undergoing emotion-like changes based on changes in their microbiome.  When fecal gut microbiota from humans with depression was inserted into rodents, the rodents showed depression-like behaviours.

Inflammation

According to this 2019 Psychology Today article, inflammation is the body’s defence mechanism for infections, irritants, stress and physical trauma.  The body produces small protein cells called cytokines in response.  According to the author, studies link depression and anxiety to inflammation and high levels of cytokines.

While this may all be overwhelming….

All Is Not Lost

An article published in PNS:  Proceedings of the Nutrition Society, described the results of a study published in BMC Medicine.  They wrote:

“One randomised controlled trial published this year in BMC Medicine demonstrated quite striking effects of a 3-month dietary intervention on moderate-to-severe depression, with a significantly greater improvement in the dietary intervention group and remission achieved in 32 % of this group”.

The dietary intervention that seems to have the most positive effect on mental health is one made up of whole foods–i.e. the opposite of the Western, processed food diet that is common in our culture.

The Mediterranean Diet

According to the Mayo Clinic, interest in the Mediterranean diet began in the 1960s with the observation that coronary heart disease caused fewer deaths in Mediterranean countries, such as Greece and Italy than in the U.S. and northern Europe.  Actually, it’s more accurate to say the “Mediterranean diet” is not a diet as such, but a way of eating with slight variations depending on which Mediterranean country you’re looking at.

It is comprised of lots of fruits, vegetables, nuts and legumes; moderate amounts of fish, poultry, eggs and dairy products.  Eat limited amounts of red meat.

Studies such as this one, published in the British Journal of Nutrition, show the link between positive mental health and the Mediterranean way of eating.   The Mediterranean diet has also been shown to reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s and heart disease.

As I delved deeper into my research, it was easy to become overwhelmed by the amount and complexity of the information.  My 2021 resolution? Keep it simple. Move to a more whole foods diet, while being kind to myself.   Change is never easy, especially during stressful times such as these.

Let’s all raise a carrot to better mental health in 2021!

For more information, here’s a Library of Congress documentary on the Mediterranean diet to get you started.  Enjoy!

 

 

Hold tight to the holiday feelings

Holidays

I thought about writing about how to survive the holidays this year, with so many of us facing possible lockdown, but there are so many articles out there already.

So here’s my wish for you: hold tight to the feelings of the holidays. To the memory of loved ones and joyous times. Lift up that warm glow in your memory and know that no matter how far they may be right now, the magic of the holiday season can bring us all together just a little closer, even when we have to socially distance.

There will be a day, and hopefully not too far into the future, where we can be together again. Know that I will hold tight to my memories of all of you, and that you bring me joy.

And until that day…

 

Musings on Remembrance Day and Covid-19

COVID-19, Grief and Loss

In Canada, Remembrance Day will be marked this Wednesday, November 11.  Due to Covid-19, ceremonies of remembrance will be different this year–no parades, no gathering at local cenotaphs,  curtailed (if any) events at Legion branches.  And yet, I wonder if the events of past wars are more relevant to us this year than any other as we attempt to adjust to living with the pandemic.  While I recognize that Remembrance Day honours veterans from all the wars, based on my family history,  I’m going to focus on World War 1 (WWI) and World War 2 (WWII).

At no time in this post am I implying that what we are going through with Covid-19 comes close to the horrors experienced during WWI or WWII.  I am only wondering about some similarities.

The Use of Language

As I started to think about the similarities, I couldn’t help but notice the language.  Words are important.  They frame how we look at events.  It’s interesting to note that the language used around the pandemic is ‘battle’ language.  We talk about ‘the war’ against Covid-19.  Nurses, doctors and first responders work on the ‘front line’.  Government and public health officials are creating ‘Covid strategies’.  Just as casualty lists were published during the world wars, we have daily access to Covid-19 statistics by world, country, province, region and city.  The frequent statement of “We’re all in this together.” applies to all of it.

How Long Will This Last?

The thing about history is that we know how the stories end (and when).  The First World War was fought from 1914 to 1918, the Second from 1939 to 1945.  These global military conflicts, the largest in human history, lasted years, not months.

For those living through the two world wars, struggle and sacrifice were a daily occurrence.  Travel was curtailed in order to save precious fuel so it could be used by the military.  Citizens lined up for food and used ration cards–not only to help support troops but also due to food shortages.

Since everything was in short supply, people became experts at making do–whether by reusing materials, making things from scratch, mending, sharing or doing without.  Various governments published information pamphlets with instructions on everything from turning cuffs on shirts (in order to make them last longer) to growing Victory Gardens and canning the resulting produce.

Because of the travel restrictions, as well as the reality of loved ones fighting overseas or in different parts of the country, it was impossible (or difficult) to see family and friends.  Sometimes people didn’t see loved ones for months or years.  A baby born near the beginning of the war may not meet one of their parents until they were about to start kindergarten.

Depending on where they lived, individuals dealt with the reality of daily bombings (being forced from their homes on a moment’s notice, spending night after night in underground shelters). Many people living in England urban centres sent their children to live with family members (or strangers) in safer parts of the country.

Our Current Experience

While not to the same extreme, during this pandemic, we are being asked to restrict travel–not to support the war effort, but to make sure that we stay close to home in order to avoid spreading the virus.  Borders have been closed.

During the spring lockdown, there was a resurgence of cooking, baking, DIY projects and making do with what we had on hand.  Remember the shortages of food staples, cleaning products and toilet paper?  We didn’t have ration cards, yet we were limited to how many bottles of hand sanitizer or loaves of bread we could buy (if any were to be had).

We’ve been asked to make sacrifices–restrict our social contacts, stay away from seniors homes, give up organized sports, work from home and home school our kids (often at the same time).  During lockdowns, public playgrounds were closed.

A major thing that we share with our ancestors is that they didn’t know how long the war would last, or what the future looked like.  They coped on a daily basis.  We are being asked to do the same as we await a vaccine and levels of immunity.

The Change in Grief Rituals

A similarity in both the world wars and our current time with COVID-19 is changing in the way we publicly mourn.

It is estimated that 76 million people died during the two world wars.  Another 50 million died as a result of the 1918 pandemic (commonly referred to as the Spanish flu).  With many of the military deaths occurring overseas, fallen soldiers were buried in military cemeteries near where they died.  Due to the circumstances, many of the deceased were buried in mass graves.  After the wars, great attempts were made to identify individuals and give them their own grave and marker.

While some families may have erected a grave marker in the local cemetery, everyone had access to public memorials to mark the deaths of local people killed in battle.  This was a big change from being able to care for the loved one and be an active participant in the funeral process.

During the 1918 pandemic, people were dying so quickly, and in such large numbers, that regular funeral and burial practices were impossible.  Funeral services were banned and funeral personnel of the time (undertakers, coffin makers, grave diggers) were unable to keep up with demand.  Burials had to happen quickly, leaving little or no time for public mourning rituals.

Grief During Covid-19

As I read about the burial practices of the wars and 1918 pandemic, I’m reminded of news footage of mass graves and one-mourner funerals occurring earlier this year in Europe and New York City.

As we’re aware, funeral homes in Canada have been restricted by the number of family and friends allowed to attend a funeral/memorial service.  Physical distancing has prohibited hugging of loved ones when it is needed most.  We haven’t been able to hold the service that we or the deceased wanted to have.

Grief has sometimes taken a back-seat as we struggle to cope with the daily realities of living in a pandemic, leaving mourners to feel guilty that they’re not honouring their ‘person’ as they think they should.

Strangely enough, while lonely, grieving has become even lonelier as we become aware of the weight of everyone’s grief.

Doing Things for the Common Good

One of the common memories that the Great War veterans and civilians share is that there was a sense of purpose and that everyone was working for the same thing–victory.  People did things for the common good–knitting for the troops, saving food scraps, supporting neighbours and strangers.  While this may paint too rosy a picture, when I have spoken to family members and elderly friends who lived through this time, the hard stories are interspersed with stories of great sharing and connection.

Today, the biggest symbol of doing things for the benefit of all is wearing a mask.  We are asked to wear them in order to keep others safe.  We try to wait patiently in line when required and practice kindness for others.  On a good day, we can give others the benefit of the doubt and on hard days, we can try to keep our lips sealed.

There are also many stories of window visits for people who are in isolation, grocery pickups for at-risk neighbours, food drop-offs for healthcare workers, drive-by birthday parties and baby showers…

Life Will Be Different

Life wasn’t the same for those living after WWI and II.  WWI ushered in the beginning of the end of the class system in Britain (Downtown Abbey anyone?).  Both wars led to a global loss of innocence as we learned of the atrocities that humans were capable of doing to other humans and the earth.  In the US, the technology created by WWII led to the creation of chemicals that changed the world forever as well as the exuberance of 1950’s consumerism.

While we don’t yet know how our world will be changed by Covid-19, we have seen some massive changes already.

  • Working from home has become so common that we may never return to offices in the same way.
  • We are on the move.  As our jobs are no longer as tied to a physical location, people are moving in order to be closer to family and away from urban centres.
  • Relationships are shifting as we let some people go and focus more on others.
  • We are becoming more used to spending more time at home and less socializing in person.
  • We are relearning what is important to us and asking big questions about how we want to continue after the pandemic is a memory.
The Big Differences

While I’ve been focusing on the similarities, there are two big differences that I see between these times in history:  a visible enemy and the ability for physical closeness and support.

No matter which side of the war you were on, there was a shared enemy.  Not only was the enemy shared, but the result of the battle was very visible–casualty lists, bombed out buildings, absent loved ones.  Today, we can’t see a microscopic virus.  It’s hard to believe in what we can’t see.  This can make us feel like the threat isn’t as serious as we are told by health and government officials.  It’s hard to keep up the fight and remain vigilant.

We miss human contact.  During the wars, people were able to band together–friends and strangers alike–as they viewed the destruction.  While they may not have been able to hold a burial for a loved one, they were surrounded by those who could hold and comfort them.

When people are sick of this entire thing, dealing with anxiety/depression and wondering when it will be over; it’s the isolation from all of their people that they feel is the hardest.

So in whatever way you mark Remembrance Day, please take a moment to honour those who share similar struggles today.  We are all in this together.

Riding the Second Wave of Covid-19

COVID-19, Mental Health

As I write this post, Canada is seven months into the COVID-19 pandemic, and at the beginning of the second wave.  While the virus remains the same, there are differences between the two waves–medical experts’ knowledge of how COVID works, the time of year, government responses (I’m speaking of Ontario) and our experience of COVID fatigue.

As we move into the upcoming Winter of COVID, how are ways we can successfully ride this wave?

I’ve Been Reading…

Over the summer months, a very good friend (and researcher) has been sending me articles about COVID experiences worldwide.   Many of them have discussed how the pandemic has negatively affected mental health (increased levels of anxiety, depression and loneliness).

Another common theme is that many of us are attempting to cope in unhealthy ways such as increased alcohol and drug use, poor diet and lack of exercise.  These strategies can lead to a vicious downward cycle of addiction and poor mental/physical health.  For a few of us, extreme exercise has been our tool of choice.  As one person I know wisely said, “At the end of COVID, we’ll either be a hunk, a chunk or a drunk”.

A final group of articles speaks to how our grief has been affected by restrictions around being with loved ones at their time of death, changes in funeral practices and lack of in-person support.  An October 11, 2020 NBC News article suggested that, “The Covid-19 pandemic will be outlasted by the grief pandemic.”

However, while the situation is dire, I suggest that it’s important not to bury our heads in the sands of avoidance, or to float in the waters of despair.  Instead, let’s take stock to get a clear picture of where we are–somewhat like weighing ourselves after the early pandemic baking extravaganzas.  We may not like the ‘number’, and we know where we’re starting from.

It’s About Having a Plan…

We are no longer ‘COVID innocents’. Because of our experience we know what’s coming.  As one news article stated, “Winter is Coming.” no longer relates just to Game of Thrones!  We lived through the tail-end of last winter, and it was hard (and short).  After a three-seasons of socializing outside, we’re staring down the tunnel of potentially five months of weather-induced, minimal human contact.

Now that we have an idea about what the game board looks like, let’s plan our strategy using Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs as a template.

Be prepared:  take care of the ‘bricks and mortar’ stuff.

There is a sense of safety knowing that our basic needs (food and shelter) are covered.  It’s hard to function when we’re concerned about how we are going to get to the store during a possible lockdown if our furnace will stop working requiring someone to come into our home, or we are running low on prescription medications.

If possible make sure that you have some extra staples (food and medicines) on hand if stores move to limited hours, or there are shortages as the wave continues.  I’m not suggesting building mountains of toilet paper in your home!  Also, think about your physical space and what you may need to do to prepare.

Establish or re-establish social networks. 

Once our physiological and safety requirements are met, next comes our need for human connection.  While many of us were able to see more of our loved ones and expand our ‘bubbles’ during warmer weather, those bubbles burst once children went back to school and limited contact became much more difficult.  Cooler weather is also becoming a factor (though many of us are extending the Fall season by using patio heaters, fire pits, etc.).

Think about who you would like to be connected to, and then talk with them about ways to spend time together.  We know what helped (and didn’t) last time, so we’re not recreating the wheel.  Maybe Zoom calls didn’t work as well due to technical challenges or ‘Zoom fatigue’.  Is the use of FaceTime apps (if possible) or shorter Zoom calls the answer?  In some cases, can small in-person bubbles be kept in place or restarted?  A friend of mine has started to write letters by hand to her friends and family.  Not only is she using this as a mindfulness practice, but enjoying the anticipation of checking the mailbox for replies.  For some of us, sending holiday greeting cards is making a comeback.

One way to continue to see people in-person is to come to terms with the cold of winter.  A podcast on “The Big Story” talks about how people in far northern communities deal with cold and near-darkness for several months of the year.  The answer–change their mindset about winter.  Embrace the colder, cozier months.  You can listen to this podcast here.  Personally, never having been a fan of the cold, I’m investing in warmer winter clothing so that I can see friends and family outside.

Spend time this Winter developing a new skill.  

Maslow’s next level is “Esteem”–not only the respect that we feel for ourselves but also the respect we feel from others.  Now can be a great time to think about how we would like to grow and develop.

While there are many websites that list activities/hobbies to take on while in lockdown, I’m suggesting that we go deeper.  What kind of human do we want to be going forward?  When we look back at this time (5, 10 or 20 years from now), what will we see?  And it doesn’t have to be all serious–play is important as well.  In my new snow pants, I’m planning to build some monumental snow people, that may be the talk of the neighbourhood!

Relax and give back. 

Self-actualization.  Now that our other needs have been met, we can relax while having a sense of reality.  Because we are in a safe and clear place we have the energy to provide support for others.  Based on the research on how mental health is being negatively affected by COVID, it is clear that the need is great.  Providing help can be as simple as taking the time to really listen to others when you sense that all may not be well with them, or waving at others on your physically distanced walks.

This BBC video talks about how one person’s life was changed by randomly receiving a bunch of flowers.  It’s not difficult to do–even in these times.

Some things are in our control and some are not.  The fact that the second wave is a reality is beyond our control.  However, we can attempt to influence its progress by wearing masks, washing our hands, practicing physical distancing, and following other guidelines recommended by public health officials.  We also have the choice of how we frame our experience.  This is an opportunity to grow our resilience.  Me….I’ll be making snow angels.

And now…because so many of us are adopting Pandemic Puppies, here’s some puppy love!  Enjoy!